Couples and Relationship Therapy
'Most people will have two or three marriages in their life - sometimes with the same person.'
~ Esther Perel, Relationship Psychotherapist
Relationships can feel hard! Trying to figure out ways to prioritise time for ourself and our relationship can feel impossible when trying to navigate all the day to day demands of life.
- Maybe you get so overwhelmed that you don't know how to reach out for help?
- Maybe you feel like you are drifting apart but don't know how to change things?
- Maybe an unexpected situation has threatened your relationship and you don't know how to work through it?
- Maybe you feel let down or betrayed by your partner and feel so consumed by anger or resentment that you don't know how to get past it?
- Maybe you feel like you're always getting it wrong in your relationship but have no idea how to do it differently?
Are you on my side?
In these cases above, often coming back to each other and connecting can massively improve the situation but like most seemingly simple solutions, it's not as easy as it sounds! I think often, our most painful experiences in our relationships are when we feel alone, when we don't feel like the other person is on our side. Who is in our corner (or who feels like they're rooting for us!) can make a huge difference to how we feel about working through challenging times.
What can get in the way?
Communication
Maybe this looks familiar to you?
With so many ways to communicate with each other it can be easy to misinterpret meaning based on what we perceive an intention to be or without knowing where the other persons focus is in that moment.
The story we tell ourself about this can have a powerful impact on how we greet or meet each other when we come back together. It can be easy to become stuck in negative cycles based on what we think is happening without being able to check out that reality.
Fear
Being vulnerable in our relationship can feel terrifying and you may feel unsafe opening up and sharing the things that are finding tough. It may be that you have previously done this and someone minimised or dismissed your experience, or maybe when you were growing up there wasn't anyone that you were able to go to when things felt difficult so this is all new.
The key is to understand why this may feel frightening and to start small in ways that don't feel overwhelming.
Life Events
Change and Transition
The very nature of life means that sometimes challenging events are thrown our way. That may be something we have some control over like a house move or it may be something that we can't plan for like a bereavement.
In times of high stress we all default to the coping mechanisms that we know best, but sometimes these can further isolate us from each other in our relationships.
Grief is a particularly powerful example because we all grieve in such different ways and no way is 'right', but it can be easy to loose each other in the most painful of situations.
Change and Transition
Change and Transition
Change is an inevitable part of life. As we go through life we are transitioning all the time. In our day to day from home to work, and navigating different stages of life like leaving home, starting a new job, becoming a parent, children leaving home...
All these can bring with them uncertainty and that can be a massive pressure as individuals and on our relationships.
Family Life
One of the biggest pressures on a relationship is navigating family life, particularly with young children. Going from being a couple to have the responsibility of another person can transform individuals and relationships.
You may feel like you have lost yourself or the other person in this and feeling daunted by this new chapter of life is really common!
Dreams and Ambitions
Differing dreams and ambitions can be demanding on any relationship. Maybe when you first came together it felt like your dreams and goals were aligned but now things have changed.
Sometimes trying to have conversations about this can feel intimidating because it's so personal to each individual, neither of you feel able to move on something you feel so passionate about, or the stakes feel so high.